Quick to Forget
by WAR student Adam Boren
Why are we so quick to forget the places from which we came? We have come a long ways with our addiction. We have overcome craving after craving. We have ignored the constant itch that never seems to fade away. We have fought off the dragon and risen like a Phoenix from the ashes. We have worked so hard for so long. So why do we want to just throw that all away in an instant?
For me personally? This is something that I battle with on a daily basis. I am constantly finding myself looking for the instant gratification. The miracle drug. Improved performance, better/ faster sleep, increased attention, or the ability to make whatever it is that I am doing… even better! It wouldn’t matter if I had just won the lottery or just lost everything I owned. I would find a way to celebrate that victory or completely forget whatever negative feelings I was having.
At times I think we forget how bad it was before we got clean. Our word was no longer good enough to the ones that loved and cared for us the most. We couldn’t be trusted to go to the grocery store to get a gallon of milk for fear that we would be meeting up with our dealer. We buried ourselves in debt, constantly borrowing money to pay off borrowed money. We didn’t take care of ourselves physically. We didn’t eat right for fear that it would ruin our high. We lost faith in God because we felt completely alone and hopeless. It is my belief that every drug has its own individual evil demons that haunt us and they effect each of us in different ways. I can also say that even though they may have differing evils, they all undoubtedly have the same outcome. Misery and hopelessness.
With that being said, I would like to refer back to the original question. Why are we so quick to forget the places from which we came? The more clean days I have behind me, the further away I get from my active addiction, the harder it is to truly remember how bad my life had to get in order for me to want to get clean. I had lost just about everything in my life.
Coming to WAR (Workout Addiction Recovery) and meeting the amazing people that I did, taught me a lot about myself. I was shown what it means to actually live a meaningful life. I was out of options when I walked through that door and was willing to try anything I could to feel good about myself again. I challenged myself to eat healthy and get to the gym everyday. To attend twelve step meetings and share my inner most struggles with complete strangers. To reach out when things just weren’t feeling right. To my surprise life got better and better each day. I began to feel good about who I was and the man that I was becoming. I no longer feared running into people that knew of my struggles because I knew in my own heart that I was stronger than anything they could ever say to bring me down. Relationships started to be mended and trust was regained where it was once lost. Now this isn’t something that happened overnight or in a couple weeks. It has taken a lot of hard work and discipline to get where I am today. I write this not for you… But for myself. I don’t ever want to forget where I came from. It was the loneliest and darkest place I have ever been and I wish to never go back there again. As addicts we have this all or nothing kind of attitude… And it is a daily struggle to channel that energy into something positive. Being an addict isn’t easy and we sometimes have to learn things the hard way, but it’s my belief that you don’t have to keep repeating those mistakes. We can use these lessons to become more forgiving and accepting of those that don’t quite understand. I am grateful to know how good life can be when you stay clear. It is because of that, that I choose to stay clear today. When I have those thoughts of going back to the places that I thought I left behind it creates a lot of anxiety and fear. But I must never forget those places from which I once came.